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Men: Take the Midlife Crisis Test

Are you a guy who thinks he might be having a midlife crisis? If you’d like to know for sure, take the simple test below. On a separate piece of paper, write down the number corresponding to the answer you picked for each of the questions. Once you’ve finished the test, tally up those numbers to arrive at your final score, which you can then use to discover whether or not you’re having a bonafide midlife crisis. Good luck!

A. Dressed in new lingerie and posing seductively, your wife coos to you, “Honey, would you like to come into the bedroom? I’ve got a surprise for you.” Your response to her is:
1. “Woot, woot! What a hottie! Race ya’ to the bed!”
2. “Just gimme a sec, hon. Atlanta’s about to score.”
3. “Surprises are good! I love surprises! What is it? Tell me what it is! Tell me! Tell me!”
4. “Are you serious? Unless you’ve got that one waitress from Coco’s in the bedroom, do you really think at this point you have any surprises for me?”

B. After a hard day’s work, your favorite thing to do is:
1. Spend some quality time with your wife and kids
2. Spend some quality time alone in the garage drinking beer and restoring a classic old car
3. Stare at something shiny
4. Wonder if your life has any meaning

C. Seeing yourself naked before a mirror, the first thing you think is:
1. “What a stud.”
2. “Eh. I’ve seen worse.”
3. “Hey! That’s me!”
4. “I hate my life.”

D. Ten years from now, which of the following do you think you’d most likely say to describe yourself:
1. “I’m at the top of my game! I couldn’t be happier!”
2. “I’m still married; my kids are finally on their own; my vintage car is almost finished. I’m satisfied.”
3. “Caramel apples are delicious!”
4. “I look pretty good in this suit. Too bad I’m dead.”

E. When you bend down to touch your toes, you:
1. do
2. get reasonably close
3. laugh at how everything looks all upside-downy
4. start crying at the futility of life

F. You count as among your best friends:
1. Your church’s youth pastor
2. Any of the guys down at the golf course
3. Your pet rabbit, Mr. Snuffles
4. Jack Daniels

G. A pretty new woman at your job presses up against you, and whispers that she wants to have an affair with you. The first thought that shoots through your head is:
1. “Too bad for her that I’m so happily married.”
2. “I wonder if my wife’s set this up to test me?”
3. “She smells like cotton candy! What’s an ‘affair’?”
4. “Whoa. That was embarrassing. I want a cigarette.”

H. The word your kids would most likely use to describe you is:
1. Fun
2. Dependable
3. Non-Einstein-like
4. Insane

If your score was 1-8, it means that:
You’re a young man who wouldn’t know a midlife crisis from the whipped cream on your mocha frappuccino. In fact, what are you doing taking this test at all? Shouldn’t you be out coaching your kid’s soccer team, or coming up with some killer new sales strategy that’s get you that promotion at your job? Or just sitting around in a tee-shirt, thinking how you’ll always look that buff? What’s with the reading? Go! Go do something fun and healthy! Enjoy your life! You won’t be immortal forever!

If your score was 9-16, it means that:
You are comfortably tied to the railroad tracks of life, and the Midlife Express is heading your way. But that train is still miles away from you, leaving you free to simply relax in the cool breeze, enjoy the warmth of the sun, revel in the view of the bright blue sky, and listen to the lovely songbirds. Eventually you’ll notice that one of those “chirp chirp”s sounds like a “choo-choo,” but there’s no need to panic. Yet.

If your score was 17-24, it means that:
You’re a simple soul. It was nice of someone to read this test to you. Don’t worry: you won’t have a midlife crisis. Other people have them, because their inner lives are just so darned complicated. Yours really, really isn’t. So in the great big game of life, you win! Sort of!

If your score was 25-32, it means that:
You’re so deep in the middle of a midlife crisis you make dogs howl just by walking down the street. Good luck.