Joke Thread

Mickey · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:04 am **Posts:** 585

A man comes home from a doctor's appointment and tells his wife: "I've got terrible news - the doctor says I have to take one tablet a day for the rest of my life!"

His wife says: "What's so terrible about that?"

The man replies: "He's only given me seven!"

:mrgreen:

doc · **Joined:** Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:57 pm **Posts:** 340

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and conversation turns to their relationships, and they decided to surprise their men.

That night, all three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes....

A few days later they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman said: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams! I love you!' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress said: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours!"

The married woman said: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stiletto heels, and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'"

Mickey · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:04 am **Posts:** 585

Quote:

So you can stay current, Financial Terms re-explained

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been d isconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

As I understand it · **Joined:** Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:42 pm **Posts:** 67

How many share holders does it take to change a light bulb :?:

None! Share holders cant afford light bulbs!

As I understand it · **Joined:** Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:42 pm **Posts:** 67

Two good reasons why voting is a waste of time

Remember, no matter who you vote for, all you get is a politician.

A politician is a person who has to run to stand to gain a seat and lie until they are blue/red in the face...

merseylass · **Posted:** Fri Oct 31, 2008 8:54 pm

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER...

FASTER...

BUMP...

BUMP...

BUMP...

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

clappity-BUMP...

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and,

The coffin stops.

fritz · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:49 am **Posts:** 490

A MAN WAS SEEN LEAVING THE WHITEHOUSE ON FOOT AND HEADED FOR THE FENCE NEAR LAFAYETTE PARK. HE WAS APPREHENDED JUST BEFORE HE WENT OVER THE FENCE AND RETURNED TO THE WHITE HOUSE, WHERE THE SECRET SERVICE TOLD HIM "MR PRESIDENT YOU CAN'T LEAVE YET YOU HAVE OVER TWO MONTHS LEFT ON YOUR TERM. :lol:

fritz · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:49 am **Posts:** 490

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine looked at the man and said, 'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'

The old man looked at the Marine and said,

'Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.'

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, 'See you tomorrow.'
:lol:

Kristopia · **Joined:** Sun Nov 02, 2008 6:39 pm **Posts:** 94

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.

He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in
and meet with President Bush."

The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here."

The old man said, "Okay" and walked away.

The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine again told the man, "Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no
longer president and no longer resides here."

The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.

The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, "I would like to go in and meet with President Bush."

The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and
said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to
speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the
president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?"

The old man looked at the Marine and said, "Oh, I understand. I just love
hearing it."

The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, "See you tomorrow."

Kristopia · **Joined:** Sun Nov 02, 2008 6:39 pm **Posts:** 94

LOL - great minds Fritz - I just got that on my e-mail and thought I'd post it, and you had beat me to it :lol:

Mickey · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:04 am **Posts:** 585

Quote:

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend. 'I went to visit my Nana'.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.

She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the Shit'.

Mickey · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:04 am **Posts:** 585

Quote:

Investment Advice

If you had purchased $1,000 of Delta Air Lines stock one year ago, you would have $49 left.

With Fannie Mae, you would have $2.50 left of the original $1,000.

With AIG, you would have less than $15 left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all of the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214 cash.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It's called the 401-keg.

doc · **Joined:** Tue Aug 05, 2008 7:57 pm **Posts:** 340

Q: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

BARACK OBAMA : The chicken crossed the road because it was time for change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON : When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH : We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY : Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL : Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON : I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY : Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and I will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON : Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL : The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE : That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN : To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

JERRY FALWELL : Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like 'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.

BILL GATES : I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN : Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS : Did I miss one?

As I understand it · **Joined:** Mon Aug 04, 2008 9:42 pm **Posts:** 67

The Chicken: Oi! Every one has an opinion! Why doesn't someone ask me why I crossed the friggin road?

Mickey · **Joined:** Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:04 am **Posts:** 585

Quote:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied, "These are Carol's."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

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